theGAME

Isinilang ako sa pangalang Carlo Aguirre Sarmiento at sa kasalukuyan ay nasa 26 taong gulang at pinaka-pogee na anak ng Mama ko… sabi nya. Lumaki at nagaral sa Tondo, Manila.. yah, baby, I’m a tondo boy. At dito ko gustong simulan ang talambuhay ng pinaka-pogee na anak ng nanay ko….

January 8, 1983, isinilang ako sa isang clinic sa Balagtas, Bulacan (so, siguro nasa pagitan ng April – May 1982 ako ginawa ng mga magulang ko). Tumira (lived) ako kasama ang parents ko (natural!) ng 2 years sa guiguinto, bulacan matapos akong ipanganak.. 1986 nang lumipat kami sa tondo, buntis mama ko nun sa kapatid ko… 1988 bumalik ulit kami sa bulacan, but this time without my Mom dahil 1987 lumipad sya papuntang HK para buhayin kami. Bukod sa naghiwalay ang parents ko that time dahil sa kagagawan na rin siguro ng papa ko (dahil laging lasing at napabuti nyang tao) di ko masyadong matandaan kung anong nangyari nun time na un kasi naman 5 pa lang ako nun… basta alam ko every morning I’m with my Lolo Cesar drinking his very special chocolate drink… cocoa with milk.

1989 nagaral ako ng kinder at grade 1 sa St. Martin De Porres Catholic School.. Sa poblacion un, sa tabi ng ilog. Astig dahvah? Martinian ako! Nung natapos ko ung grade 1 (ewan ko kung pano) lumipat naman ako sa Marilao para magaral ng grade 2.. sa Cardinal… astig ulet! Cardinal… sosyal. Pag tapos ko ng grade 2, ayun na.. lumipat na kami ng sis ko sa tondo (May sister nga pala ko, si Tei. Pero dahil wala naman syang kinalaman dito di na ko magki-kwento bout sa kanya). Feeling heaven na kasi kasama ko na Tatay ko.. wla nang iyakan (iyakin kasi ako nung bata ako kasi lagi akong iniiwan ng papa ko sa mga tita ko). Nagtapos ako ng elem sa Rizal elem school, ulet, tabi ng ilog. Medyo masaya kasi nga kasama ko na tatay ko basta wag lang syang uuwi ng lasing o sabog… bakit? Eh ako pinagti-tripan nun pag high sya eh… suntok, sampal, sipa, sabunot, kurot…. Minsan pa nga sa sobrang high nya isinako pa nun at sinabit sa kisame… high kami pareho. Samahan pa ng panglalait nung mga tita ko (I won’t tell u kung sino. Magsumbong ka pa) Dahil siguro pasaway tatay ko kaya nila nagawa un.. pero talagang bumaon ung pain psychologically. Sobrang tahimik ko kasi nun at napakabagal kaya madalas akong sabihan ng “tanga.” Buti na lang may Lolo at lola ko nung time na un. Ok naman sila kahit may konting favoritism sa ming magpipinsan.. May 3, 1995 namatay ang tatay ko. Yun na un. Kaya siguro bata pa lang ako iba na ko magisip dahil sa torture na dinanas ko physically and emotionally.

2000 nung nagtapos ko ng high school sa Lakandula High. 2002 nung huminto ako magaral sa PMI. again, malapit sa ilog.. the reason? Ayoko na weh.. d ko trip ung course ko. 2003 nung doktinahan ako sa Iglesia Ni Cristo. Ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko. 2005 nung lumipat ulit ako d2 sa Bulacan. Mag-isa (actually, kasama ko tito ko and his family pero parang ako lang din mag-isa) masaya dahil ako nga lang magisa. Un ang trip ko.. ako lang magisa. May mga di magandang pangyayari dahil di naman un maiiwasan. Dun ko naramdaman na talagang discrimination pa rin sa magulang ko. “wag nyong pilitin na gawin ko ung gusto nyo dahil lumaki akong walang nagdidikta sa kin at d ako sanay ng ganun.” Madalas kong sabihin yan sa sarili ko dahil madaming d makaintindi sa kin. Feeling ko ibang-iba ako sa lahat. Di ko alam kung bakit. Parang may kulang na di ko alam. Pero may isang tao sa buhay ko na nagsasabing alam nya ang kulang sa buhay ko. But I’m telling you, kilalamo lang ang sarili mo… hindi ako. There’s more to me than meets the eye, Baby. January 14, 2006 nagka-shooota aku. naging mas masaya.. sooooobrang saya. Dami naming pinagdaanang mga struggle sa buhay.. ok lang yun magkaama kami eh. Dami kong ayaw sa kanya (mga 80% ng pagkatao nya) pero ok lang ganun naman ako magmahal eh. September 12 nalaman kong may sakit ako sa puso. parang gumuho ang mundo ko. Pano na ko? Pano na sya? Pano na kami? at kasabay nun, October 27, 2008 naghiwalay kami. naging malungkot.. soooooobrang lungkot pero d ko na sasabihin kung bakit, alam na ng lahat un. Ngaun, medyo ok na.. Masaya na kahit pano. But part of me is still broken. til now I still can’t explain what I’mfeeling. It’s not that I can’t deal with it, it’s just that I can’t control my self to be hurt. 7 months na pero talagang ayaw mawala. maniwala ka ginagawa ko lahat pero talagang parang linta kung makakapit. ayaw maalis. Hirap ipaliwanag. Ganito na lang, let me tell u a story…. May isang Pontiac GTO ’67 car na tumatakbo sa free way at dahil lasing ang driver naibangga nya ng d sinasadya sa isang poste ang car nya. Total wreck. Buhay ang driver. Pinilit nyang ipaayos ang sira nyang car at ibalik ang dati nitong itsura pero kahit anong gawin hindi nya magawa.. Lumang modelo.. vintage car ‘ika nga. Mahirap hanapan ng piyesa. Nung maayos ang kaha pinapinturahan nya para maibalik ang dating itsura at matakpan ang sirang kalooban ng Pontiac GTO ’67. Bumilib lahat. Parang bago ulit. Smile na ulit ang driver at proud na ulit sa Pontiac GTO ’67 car nya pero dahil sya ang driver nung nabangga ang Pontiac GTO ’67, ramdam nya pa rin ang sakit ng pagkakabangga.. d dahil nagalusan sya kundi dahil alam nya sa sarili nya na anumang ganda ng car nya dahil sa bagong pintura ay sira ang loob nito. Hindi na orig ang parts. Iba na ang feeling kesa nung bagong bili. Humahanap sya ng ibang way para d na ulit dumaan sa pinangyarihan ng katangahan nya pero wala syang magawa dahil walang ibang daan (meron namang iba kaso bulag sya) Takot syang dumaan pero gusto nya pa ring balik-balikan dahil yun ang nakasanayan nyang daan. Baku-bako ang daan na un pero dahil dun sya nasanay at masaya sya sa daang yun, itinanim na nya sa puso nya na doon na sya dadaan habambuhay. At nangyari nga ang di nya inaasahan. Dahil sa katangahan, nabangga sya. Nalaman nyang sa 2010 babaguhin na ang daang kinasanayan nya. Dahil sa hiling ng karamihan na gawing patag ang daan na yun at dahil sa dami ng iba’t-ibang klaseng sasakyang dumadaan dun, walang magawa ang driver ng Pontiac GTO ’67 na hayaan na lang. Isang bahagi nya ang biglang nawala. Isang bahagi naman nya ang sumasangayon dahil mapapabuti ang minahal nyang “free way”. Isang bahagi naman nya ang gustong magwelga para wag matuloy ang nalalapit na pagpapaayos ng daan. Ngayon, parang nasa gitna sya ng kawalan. Lutang. Wasak. Nakaupo at humihithit ng astro cigarette. Naghihintay. Nilalabanan ang kahinaan nyang maging mahina. Ginagawa nya ng buong kaya ang dapat nyang gawin pero parang wala. D kayang itago ng mga ngiti nya dahil iniisip nya kung san sya dadaan o kung pano sya dadaan sa ibang daang natatanaw nya.

aaaaaaaaaaaassssteeeeeeeeeg!!!!!!!!!

Talagang may ganun? hehe…  Sa ngayon ginagawa ko na ang alam kong tama. Mahirap man pero kelangan. 

                                                               Wakas

Pagsusulit:

*bilangin kung ilang beses nabanggit ang salitang “daan” sa walang kwentang istoryang nabasa. Pag nabilang, pumalakpak.

*Naintidihan mo ba ang binasa mong istorya? Kung hindi, tumango, kung oo, magtumbling ng sampung ulit at iuntog sa pader ang ulo.

*Saan ka makakabili ng astro cigarette?

Sa mga nagtiyagang nagbasa ng walang kwentang blog na to… mga adik kayo! Hehe!

Solomot so pogboso… ang nguso humahaba… 

“I’m not perfect but I’m never wrong!”

-inspired by BO

This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never mine to begin with.

You know, I’ve never really understood what happened between us…how and why we came to this - barely talking, barely even on speaking terms. But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? You always referred to me as “Honey ko” but we both know there’s really nothing to it, or at least that was what we owed up to the rest of the world. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.

We started spending a lot of time together, talking, eating, and playing games…we would always choose to closely sit next to each other with your arm around my shoulders and my hand on your lap…we would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other…we even had private jokes that we didn’t want to explain or share with anyone else…and every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren’t doing anything at all. Friends say that there’s this tenderness with which we look at each other, a twinkle in our eyes and a soft smile on our lips that held so much promise…but what we had was never lasted,  We were playing mind games practically all the way.

I never knew if you loved me back, I never asked. At first it was because I truly believed there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary that needed questioning, and when it finally dawned on me, it was too late. You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn’t know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn’t want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence you’re asking for.

But though I may not have said anything…I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I’m tired - I’m tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment…of living on memories that are special only to me…

Thank you for everything…for taking away my insecurities; for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn’t necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far…that the moment you love someone you have given her the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for allowing me enough room to grow…for inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for holding my hand when I’m nervous or scared; for giving me a hug and wiping away my tears when I’m sad or confused; for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I’ve become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it’s not enough.

I’m sorry things had to come to this - I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you after all. But even if everything got so painful, I’m still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life. I’ve heard people say that while some good things never last others don’t even start - I guess that fits us exactly…we could have been good together…good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began.

I’m letting you go, I’m letting us go. I’ve finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn’t with each other.

I must admit you probably won’t be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring  sadness and regret. But I’m okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I’d concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I’ll be able to give myself to her as I would have wanted to give my life to you.

Wherever life may lead us from here…good luck!

love, carlo